The World's Gone Quiet

All the thoughts in my head

Month: March, 2016

Where it all began

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Laying in his dark room

My skin feeling numb beneath the cold sheets

And all I want to do is run

But I can’t move

And I can’t speak

I just stare up at the ceiling, reflecting on how I got here

What happened to the girl I used to be?

 

My mind wanders to the last boy who stole my heart

Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t

And eventually he began to dangle our relationship in front of me

Threaten to leave me, causing me to panic every time he was upset

 

Or maybe it goes all the way back to the very first boy who laid a hand on me

And after taking everything I had to give

He proceeded to tell me he had never cared about me at all

Is that where it all began?

 

I wish I could take it all back

Because I don’t like who I am

And I feel worthless and cold every time I’m alone

And maybe that’s why I strip down, completely bare

For any guy who shows an inkling that they care.

 

-r.e.

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Try as You Might

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Try as you might,

You cannot shine your light into the darkest parts of her

You think that if you try hard enough

That you can change her

But what you have yet to realize

Is that the dark abyss inside of her is as infinite as the night sky

And she has lost herself long ago in the black void

Try as you might,

She is too far gone.

-r.e.

 

Pray

He asked me how I’m doing, how’s school, what are my friends like. I answered every question with a smile and kept the topic on myself. I couldn’t ask him how he was doing, how he was feeling, how his day was going. I already knew the answers.

I hadn’t expected him to be so frail. He looked too small compared to his armchair. His body seemed to be slowly and painfully caving in on itself, it was hard to watch. It was hard to look away.

I noticed the way her eyes savored him, as though she was worried it would be the last time she would see him laughing… Or breathing. It very well could have been the last time. You never know.

I watched her as she struggled to stand up from the couch. She rocked back and forth four times before successfully pushing off. With her back curving towards the ground and eyes cast down, she made her way to him. She put her hand in his and I swear she was just a skeleton with a thin layer of skin covering her bones. How did I not notice her shrinking before?

She stood next to him and smiled for a picture because my mother feels the need to document every moment in life. Then, once the photos were done, she continued to stand next to him for awhile. I could see how difficult it was for her to stand up straight but she wasn’t ready to leave his side. How could she ever be ready? They’ve been together since they were 15. She would never be ready to let go. She spent her entire life with this man and now she has to watch him decay right before her very eyes.

I wanted to hug her and tell her that it would be alright. I wanted to tell her that they would be joined together for eternity in heaven, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t even believe it myself. I haven’t had faith in heaven since I was young.

However, in that moment, I bowed my head and prayed to a God that I didn’t even truly believe was there. I prayed that there was a place where they could join each other again. A better place than here. Somewhere where they could be young and healthy. There has to be a place where lovers can be free after death. I prayed to God that there was a heaven waiting for them.

-r.e.

 

Summer’s Ghost

I buried him in May

He came back to haunt me in June

And now I think he’s here to stay.

-r.e.

Hope

“Just give up, it’s over”

No, no it can’t be done

“It’s been dead for too long now”

No, there is always hope

“Move on, I have”

No, I will fight to keep this love alive

I start the compressions-

One, two, three, breathe

Trying to exhale life into something that once consumed mine

I will put every bit of me into the possibility of us

Even if you’ve given up.

-r.e.

5’6″

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I am 5’6″

And I weigh 500 pounds

Don’t worry though, I’m actually quite light

I just like to account for all of my extra baggage in my weight

The insecurities, scars and other personalities that make up who I am

They often make me feel heavy

And I struggle daily to stand up straight

Every time I open up to someone, they shut me down

I’m told I’m too sensitive or that the problems are in my head

Of course, I already know all of that

I cry when I’m frustrated

And the voices in my head are constantly yelling at each other

But I can’t tell people that, they’ll think I’m insane

And they don’t want that extra baggage

They want the pretty little package, tied up neatly with a bow

No one cares about the war inside my mind

So I’ve learned to stay quiet

I am 5’6″

And I weigh 500 pounds

And I pray that someday, someone can help me carry this extra weight.

-r.e.

 

My Wanderer

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I think there is an ocean inside of your heart

Constantly churning and beating against its confines

I believe that there are mountains behind your eyes

And your thoughts bounce and echo off of their walls

I always knew that you had a wandering soul with the feet to match

And believe me, I love you for that

Even though it never gets easier watching you go

I just remind myself that you’ll have the best stories to tell

When you find your way back home.

-r.e.